Back to counselling I go!

I had my first visit with a new  counsellor yesterday. I was excited to see someone new and while I really liked her, she sent me away with homework to do!

We talked about how fear and anxiety can impact you and she asked me how I deal with stress. When I told her all the stress I’ve suffered in the past 12 months, she pointed out I had experienced at least 5 of the top 10 stresses people go through – and all at once! Yep, I already knew it had been a crap year!

So, she asked me to think of 1 positive statement I could make about pregnancy. I choose “I fall pregnant quickly and easily.” Despite what I’ve been telling myself lately, that is actually the truth. I have to write that statement out 70 times, and each time, write whatever negative statement comes up after it. If I don’t think of anything I just write blank. I have to do this for 7 days to help identify what I believe with my head, and what I believe with my heart. I’m starting to realise there is a difference between the two and they both need to be on the same page!

I’ve just done the exercise for the first time and here are a few negatives that came up for me:

-          Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it will happen again

-          It was just a fluke

-          It happened too quick for me to cope with

-          I’m scared it won’t happen again

-          I’m not sure I want it to in case I have another miscarriage

-          What about everything that could go wrong?

-          It will get harder as I get older

-          I’m running out of time

-          Why can’t I let it just happen?

-          The process was easy but the pregnancy wasn’t

-          Was my mind powerful enough to cause the miscarriage?

-          I’m pissed off I have to have it rubbed in my face every day at work.

Clearly, I have some negative reactions to my positive and true statement. I can see and understand how these thoughts form an undercurrent of negativity that has the power to slowly seep into the rest of me. These thoughts create anxiety which causes stress which causes my body to tighten up. Funnily enough, pregnancy isn’t something that is easily achieved with a tense body!

As I read my statements, I noted how on one hand, I do believe the positive statement, but on the other, I look for evidence to disprove it. You can’t disprove something that you know to be true so why is my mind so busy putting up road blocks to something that has already happened? Like everything else in life, it’s no doubt driven by fear. So I guess our next few sessions will be all about addressing these issues so I can let go of the negativity.

I have my fingers crossed we can achieve that. I see the value of doing it and will keep writing my lines out for the next 6 days despite the sore wrist I get. There’s no point going to someone for help if you don’t do what they ask you to. At this point, I am motivated by a desire to be strong, positive and feel competent come my next pregnancy so I’m throwing myself into my homework with all gutso!